Procrastination is Not My Only Siren

I should have started this paper a week ago, or at least yesterday, or at least this morning. It’s only going to take two hours to complete, and I could have had my evening to myself. I’ve been here before.

Yes, I’ve been here before. This is nothing new from her. But I don’t learn easily from the past. She takes her clothes off and I’m done with the introduction, thesis and all.

The paper has to be easy from here. I have my direction and I know the professor’s tricks. I see the end and all I need to do is begin walking towards it. She texts me that last night was what she needed. She ends the sentence with a sentimental emoticon. I write the first topic sentence for my first focus. After two examples and elaboration, I conclude the paragraph.

She’s about to leave and go home. Our unisex uniforms are touching at the sleeves. This hug is emotional, as she whispers something to me. Then she smiles from the corner of her eyes and leaves, promising lies. I am halfway through the third paragraph. When I finish it, I can conclude the paper and enjoy freedom. But first, a break.

My friend shrugs and shakes his head. He is disappointed that I’m giving her another shot. I should know, he says, how this will end. I do know how it ends. And I know her tricks. And I’ve been here before, but I learn very slowly from my past.

I eventually get back to the paper. I am at the conclusion. I need that one sentence to really tie things in and give the entire work a strong finish. But there are no strong finishes. This paper will never be complete. I will sit here wondering how to elegantly end it until I give up and begin thinking up a new thesis, a new angle, a new set of eyes.

She is resting on my arm. I am focusing on her body, enjoying it, knowing what she will say when she opens her mouth and says something meaningless about the time. I do not respond. This is nothing new. She begins redressing and I sink into meditation. This is the conclusion, but I don’t know how to put it into words. This is the end, but it isn’t final.

I am halfway through my cigarette when her brakelights are finally out of view. I walk back up to the apartment. I save the document for another day. I’ll finish it one day and it will be sensical, powerful, and absolute.

Before she left, she said, I really am sorry I always let you down. I didn’t respond, but thought, Not as much as I am for always letting myself down. The weakness is apparent. The hypocrisy overbearing. It is not the siren that leads you astray, but your heart.

And these are truly the best days of our lives.

Thank you, my ever treacherous Siren.

Cave Fatuos!

I am becoming aware that my posts are long… too long.

This is bad because it makes me less efficient in what I am trying to do. By encompassing broad subjects, I am unable to give attention to details that might necessitate further meditation.

Also, long posts are boring.

So, I am committed to shortening the posts and specifying the focus in each, or at least the latter.

I will also take this opportunity to introduce you to Valentine (not his real name), my good friend. He will represent, from now, an antithesis to my absurdity by exemplifying the good and thoughtful in Man.

Say Hello.